She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
