So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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