nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
