I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize