this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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