That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
