Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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