he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
