let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
two words: eviction party
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
