Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
