i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
