Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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