i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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