Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
did you just send me my own nude
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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