did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
