Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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