Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
