nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
