The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
