I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
