this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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