I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
