listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
