apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
