the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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