theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
