im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My life is pants optional.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
