I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize