Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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