I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
