he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
