do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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