his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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