He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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