I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
