Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
