remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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