there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
