So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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