an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize