I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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