I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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