I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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