That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
