Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
