Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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