I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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