So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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