Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
