he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
