He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
