I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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