You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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