Got a toothbrush?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
