i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
