i already hear my dad disowning me
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
