You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
