he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
